"Unattractive"

Today someone pointed out some flaws in my personality, and continued to tell me that these flaws made me unattractive to them. That even though there are good parts to me, all they could see was the two parts they didn't like. That I was "unattractive" for this, but then told me that I'm still hot. As if my outer appearance, and my body was any cancellation to my apparently ugly personality. I have been told a lot of things, awful things, but this person already had so much power over my heart. They knew that and used it against me. Now that I'm sitting here in my room looking at my life, I realize that I noticed flaws in her too. I never pointed them out to her. I loved her for her strengths, weaknesses, and flaws. It did not make her seem "unattractive" to me. It made her more beautiful to me. The reason being is I see flaws in the people close to me, but I don't think any less of them for having them. So why is it that she saw my flaws and decided I was essentially ugly on the inside for them? I feel sorry for her. If she can't see past my flaws, how is she going to be truly happy with someone else? Perfect doesn't exist in anyone, so what is she going to do when she keeps expecting it? Either way I am done talking to someone who is just going to make me feel like that. I don't need that in my life. Some day someone will love me for all of my ups, and downs, and I will love for the same.

Wake Up, Check The Time

Wake up, check the time. It's 4:06 a.m. Go back to sleep you don't need to be up for hours. It's too hot in here, you don't need the blanket. The breeze from the vents are hitting my leg way too hard now. Never mind I do need the blanket. I'm not comfortable. Maybe if I cuddle this hard pillow, no that hurts my stomach. Well what if... What about... No. That doesn't work either. What time did I go to bed? Was it 2? I know I didn't fall asleep that fast. I never do. I wonder what she's doing. If it's only four in the morning she's probably still out at some party, or out on some crazy late night adventure with my step brother and her best friend. I hope she's okay. I wonder who she's talking to. Who she's thinking about. I hope it's me. STOP IT! Stop! Your not supposed to think like this anymore. Your not supposed to care. She cheated on you. You broke up with her. You are fine. You don't deserve that.... Yes I know, but her hair was so soft, and so long. It framed her face, and flowed perfectly down her back. Her laugh was infectious. Her smile. Oh her smile was perfect. Still is.

I remember the first time we kissed. We were laying on her bed in the dark because it was close to midnight, and she snuck me in. I laid on my side next to her, and even though it was dark I could see her as clear as day. Her beautifully dark eyes, her soft skin, the curve of her lips. She asked me why I was so far away, so I moved closer. The closer I got the harder it was to breathe. The closer I got the more beats my heart seemed to skip. Even though I could not breathe, and my body temperature was rising, I could not stop smiling. Laying so close to her, nothing else seemed to matter. Nothing else seemed to matter to me than the kiss we were about to share. It was all I could think about. She leaned closer to me as I did her, and once we kissed for the first time, I was hooked. Wanting nothing other than to keep kissing her. I got lost in her soft, but equally as strong touch. It was like a dream I never wanted to wake up from. Every kiss we shared was like that. Even the last one. At least it was for me.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about this. I should be mad at her. I should forget every moment. Maybe even supposed to regret my days spent with her. Everything I did with her, for her, but I don't. Instead I think about everything. I cherish every moment, laugh, and cry we shared. I fell in love with her. Me! Liberty Anderson! I fell in love with another woman! I didn't even think I would date another girl, and yet here I am. Laying awake in my room completely torn, and only thinking of her. My feet were swept off the ground so fast I forgot to protect myself from the fall that dropped me faster than it had picked me up. Now I just feel stupid, and pathetic, because while I'm sitting here lost, and broken she is what seems to be perfectly fine. "I'm cool" is what she said when I asked her how she's been. I hear she was fighting with my ex over some girl just after we broke up. The girl she posted as her #WCW (yes I know that sounds very teenage girl of me to complain about). I literally saw her upset about some girl going to Denny's with someone other than her. Why is it so easy for her? How is it so easy for her to forget about me? A part of me want's to believe she's just ignoring it. That hiding it is better than dealing with the pain. I do know that she does that about things, but I also know why she broke up with the girlfriend she had before me. She had feelings for me that she wouldn't admit at the time, but I knew. I also remember that she came over to my house right after she broke up with her. I told her too. W didn't talk about it, or address how either of us felt about each other (for one I didn't know what I was feeling) but there was something special about it. If it was that easy for her to move on from someone she was with for two years, how could it not be easy for her to move on from me? Someone she was only with for barely three months. I know, I know. It was only three months. It shouldn't be nearly this hard if at all... But a lot happened in those three months.

What time is it? I look at the bright little screen on my phone. It's 5:36 in the morning. This is why I never get any sleep. My minds too busy driving me crazy with perfect memories. Maybe if I go on Twitter my eyes will get tired and I'll fall back asleep.

Bad idea. She was on twitter no less than an hour ago. Maybe Instagram? Worse. Seeing her makes me want to hold her, and kiss her, which I can't do. Facebook. There we go, she doesn't go on Facebook. Well she does, she looks at her family's profiles, and pictures. I know because I saw her do it an endless amount of times because she misses them. I hope she's gotten to talk to them recently. GOD DAMN IT! LIBERTY! You two have been broken up for over a month! Get a grip, and let it go! Ii know, I don't know whats wrong with me! I just get so attached. My heart is too big. That's it. I'm done. No more feelings for me. I'll just try my best to force myself to sleep because I am really tired still. Now it's almost six in the flipping morning! I'll just clear my mind the best I can, and hopefully drift off to sleep....

Wake up, check the time. 11:14 a.m. Well I got more sleep than I thought I would.