"Keep a diary, and one day It'll keep you"

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Wake Up, Check The Time

Wake up, check the time. It's 4:06 a.m. Go back to sleep you don't need to be up for hours. It's too hot in here, you don't need the blanket. The breeze from the vents are hitting my leg way too hard now. Never mind I do need the blanket. I'm not comfortable. Maybe if I cuddle this hard pillow, no that hurts my stomach. Well what if... What about... No. That doesn't work either. What time did I go to bed? Was it 2? I know I didn't fall asleep that fast. I never do. I wonder what she's doing. If it's only four in the morning she's probably still out at some party, or out on some crazy late night adventure with my step brother and her best friend. I hope she's okay. I wonder who she's talking to. Who she's thinking about. I hope it's me. STOP IT! Stop! Your not supposed to think like this anymore. Your not supposed to care. She cheated on you. You broke up with her. You are fine. You don't deserve that.... Yes I know, but her hair was so soft, and so long. It framed her face, and flowed perfectly down her back. Her laugh was infectious. Her smile. Oh her smile was perfect. Still is.

I remember the first time we kissed. We were laying on her bed in the dark because it was close to midnight, and she snuck me in. I laid on my side next to her, and even though it was dark I could see her as clear as day. Her beautifully dark eyes, her soft skin, the curve of her lips. She asked me why I was so far away, so I moved closer. The closer I got the harder it was to breathe. The closer I got the more beats my heart seemed to skip. Even though I could not breathe, and my body temperature was rising, I could not stop smiling. Laying so close to her, nothing else seemed to matter. Nothing else seemed to matter to me than the kiss we were about to share. It was all I could think about. She leaned closer to me as I did her, and once we kissed for the first time, I was hooked. Wanting nothing other than to keep kissing her. I got lost in her soft, but equally as strong touch. It was like a dream I never wanted to wake up from. Every kiss we shared was like that. Even the last one. At least it was for me.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about this. I should be mad at her. I should forget every moment. Maybe even supposed to regret my days spent with her. Everything I did with her, for her, but I don't. Instead I think about everything. I cherish every moment, laugh, and cry we shared. I fell in love with her. Me! Liberty Anderson! I fell in love with another woman! I didn't even think I would date another girl, and yet here I am. Laying awake in my room completely torn, and only thinking of her. My feet were swept off the ground so fast I forgot to protect myself from the fall that dropped me faster than it had picked me up. Now I just feel stupid, and pathetic, because while I'm sitting here lost, and broken she is what seems to be perfectly fine. "I'm cool" is what she said when I asked her how she's been. I hear she was fighting with my ex over some girl just after we broke up. The girl she posted as her #WCW (yes I know that sounds very teenage girl of me to complain about). I literally saw her upset about some girl going to Denny's with someone other than her. Why is it so easy for her? How is it so easy for her to forget about me? A part of me want's to believe she's just ignoring it. That hiding it is better than dealing with the pain. I do know that she does that about things, but I also know why she broke up with the girlfriend she had before me. She had feelings for me that she wouldn't admit at the time, but I knew. I also remember that she came over to my house right after she broke up with her. I told her too. W didn't talk about it, or address how either of us felt about each other (for one I didn't know what I was feeling) but there was something special about it. If it was that easy for her to move on from someone she was with for two years, how could it not be easy for her to move on from me? Someone she was only with for barely three months. I know, I know. It was only three months. It shouldn't be nearly this hard if at all... But a lot happened in those three months.

What time is it? I look at the bright little screen on my phone. It's 5:36 in the morning. This is why I never get any sleep. My minds too busy driving me crazy with perfect memories. Maybe if I go on Twitter my eyes will get tired and I'll fall back asleep.

Bad idea. She was on twitter no less than an hour ago. Maybe Instagram? Worse. Seeing her makes me want to hold her, and kiss her, which I can't do. Facebook. There we go, she doesn't go on Facebook. Well she does, she looks at her family's profiles, and pictures. I know because I saw her do it an endless amount of times because she misses them. I hope she's gotten to talk to them recently. GOD DAMN IT! LIBERTY! You two have been broken up for over a month! Get a grip, and let it go! Ii know, I don't know whats wrong with me! I just get so attached. My heart is too big. That's it. I'm done. No more feelings for me. I'll just try my best to force myself to sleep because I am really tired still. Now it's almost six in the flipping morning! I'll just clear my mind the best I can, and hopefully drift off to sleep....

Wake up, check the time. 11:14 a.m. Well I got more sleep than I thought I would.

Monday, July 6, 2015

I can't box up all of that

My heart has been broken. It's a tragic story that I can not get myself to explain once again without breaking down. What I will share with you is my latest thought. It's been about two weeks or so, and I am still devastated. My friend suggested that I box up her things that I have and put them in the garage because they are hard to be around. But I can't. You see, boxing them up insinuates that I would be boxing up the memories and getting rid of them. However, sitting in my room I see her in my chair she used to sit in. The floor she used to lay on in her softball uniform, because she hadn't taken a shower yet and it was 1 in the morning. It's her prom dress in my closet. It's in the candles I used to keep lit when she was here. It's the second I walk in my room after work, and the way she'd look up at me from the floor on her laptop when I got home. I'm surrounded by memories of us, and memories of her and her smile all around me. I can't box up all of that. So now what do I do, when this is all I'm left with?

Sunday, May 31, 2015

But She Has Not Read This...

I may not have posted anything for quite some time, but lets be honest. I don't think any of you missed me. However, a lot has happened in my life recently. The only thing I have time to share with you today, is that I have a girlfriend. She is absolutely AMAZING even though she doesn't see it in herself. I see it. She has this light inside her that pulls me in and makes me want to never look away. I love her to death, and we have barely been dating for two months. I know it's completely crazy, and fast for us to love each other already, but who puts a time limit on love? Who says that it has to take at least x amount of days to fall completely in love? To me there is no time limit on love. To me, love is not just an emotion. It is physical. I can feel it ache in my bones. It makes my stomach drop when I worry about her. It makes my fingertips shake just writing this, because she is not with me. I can feel an aching hole in my chest at this very moment thinking about how badly I wish I want to hold her. Kiss her. Love is when something as simple as holding hands is enough to make your heart race. So when you tell me I can't possibly have fallen in love so fast, that it is just lust, and that I don't know what I'm talking about, you do not feel what I feel when I'm with her. You do not see her the way I do. You do not know about what her and I talk about when we are alone. You do not know the countless nights I have worried about her, because I know what she is thinking. You do not fear loosing someone, as much as I fear loosing her. You can not tell me I don't love her because.... I do love her. I love her more than she loves herself. I love her more than the sun loves the moon. You may not know what that means, because you do not know that the sun dies every night so that the moon can breathe. I love her more than I love myself. She tells me every day that she loves me more, but she has not read this. She is more beautiful, kind, gentle, strong, independent, and perfect than anything I have ever seen. I miss waking up next to her, and seeing the smile on her face when she wakes up from all of the kisses I chose to wake her up with. I miss they way she would wrap her arms around me when she woke up. I miss that she absolutely would not let me out of bed in the morning because she didn't want to let go. I miss driving home with her holding either my hand, or my thigh, and kissing me the whole way home even though it made it hard to keep my eyes on the road. I miss being able to have her all to myself every day. Getting to spend every waking moment with her. Those were the most satisfying days I have ever known. It sounds like we broke up, but we didn't. We are still very much together. We are still very much in love with each other. I still talk to her every moment I can whether it's text messages, snap chats, phone calls, or Skype. It's just our situation that doesn't allow us to live together anymore, and that is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever known.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Lacking Inspiration

Lately I've been feeling rather lazy. Like I'd rather just sit, and wait around before I need to get ready for work. I'd rather sit in my bed, or on the couch instead of get up and do something productive. I didn't realize until just now that I've been lacking motivation. Inspiration. I am usually very self motivated, and driven; lately I've been clouded by my love for hanging out with my friends, and being a stupid teenager. Which is fine, if you have a balance. I'm afraid that I'm starting to loose that balance. I haven't done hardly anything in the last week to better my mind, body and/or soul. Yes I've had this week off of school, but that's no excuse. I need to tap back into my inspiration. I need to find it again. Where do I look for that? Where do I start? Do I start with something as simple as cleaning my room, or my car? Or something as lengthy as doing my homework? What about my chores? Then I have work, so what's next after work at 9:30 tonight? I'm starting to feel a bit stuck in my everyday routine. One that will not help me succeed. Is there anyone else who feels the same? Is there anyone else searching for inspiration?

Sunday, February 8, 2015

When It's Good For The Soul

Today it rained. I don't mean a slight sprinkle like it usually is here in Sacramento. It was a real, heavy downpour. Like the rain we used to have in Washington almost everyday. It wasn't until I was walking to my car in the midst of it, that I realized how much I missed the rain. The feeling of the crisp cold water on my skin, and the way the clean air feels refreshing to breathe in.

I lived in Washington state until I was fourteen years old. For the first two years that I lived here I couldn't sleep unless I was listening to the rain. I had to download an app that had the sound of rain, and I would play it in my room until I would fall asleep. Today I noticed that I haven't had to do that in the last year and a half. That I stopped needing the rain. When I was younger, and going through rough times I would go out in the rain to help clear my mind. The rain would sooth my mind, and nourish my soul. As much as I love it here, California sadly doesn't provide much rain for me. I had to find new things to replenish my soul. Which now that I think about it, is probably why I don't need to listen to the rain on m phone anymore. Now I do thing like reading, practicing yoga, and this blog, because they are whats good for my soul. They fill the hole that leaving Washington created. With these things I am whole, and my soul is thriving!

What do you do, that's good for your Soul?

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Disappointments

What do you do when you don't get accepted into your dream college? You stare at the screen. Rereading the word "DENIED" over, and over again. You feel this heat rising up in you. A heat that makes you uncomfortable in your own skin. After a few minutes of seeing your life crumble at the sight of one word, reality sinks in. You start asking yourself all kinds of questions. Questions like, what am I going to do? Where am I going to go? I created this whole life, this whole plan for the rest of my life based on the fact that I was told by everyone that I was going to get in! And I didn't. What do you do when your faced with that? That kind of disappointment? Do you cry? Do you scream? Do you go straight to your original plan B? A plan you have absolutely no interest in pursuing, whatsoever? Well I'll tell you what I did. I turned around, and I created a brand new plan. One people are trying to get me to dismiss. A plan that has potential to be an amazing opportunity, but it seems that everyone is trying to make me do what THEY want me to do. If there are a million ways to get anywhere in the world, why is it so important that I take one specific rout to get to the desired place in my future?

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Sheer Bliss

Do you ever just sit in the sun?
Do you ever soak up the heat?
When there's still a breeze mixing in the warmth of the sun?
Can you find yourself enjoying the light on your skin?
Can you block out your surroundings by just closing your eyes?
Do you hear the wind in the trees?
Or the rustling of paper?
Do you feel the sheer bliss of nature?