"Keep a diary, and one day It'll keep you"

Sunday, May 31, 2015

But She Has Not Read This...

I may not have posted anything for quite some time, but lets be honest. I don't think any of you missed me. However, a lot has happened in my life recently. The only thing I have time to share with you today, is that I have a girlfriend. She is absolutely AMAZING even though she doesn't see it in herself. I see it. She has this light inside her that pulls me in and makes me want to never look away. I love her to death, and we have barely been dating for two months. I know it's completely crazy, and fast for us to love each other already, but who puts a time limit on love? Who says that it has to take at least x amount of days to fall completely in love? To me there is no time limit on love. To me, love is not just an emotion. It is physical. I can feel it ache in my bones. It makes my stomach drop when I worry about her. It makes my fingertips shake just writing this, because she is not with me. I can feel an aching hole in my chest at this very moment thinking about how badly I wish I want to hold her. Kiss her. Love is when something as simple as holding hands is enough to make your heart race. So when you tell me I can't possibly have fallen in love so fast, that it is just lust, and that I don't know what I'm talking about, you do not feel what I feel when I'm with her. You do not see her the way I do. You do not know about what her and I talk about when we are alone. You do not know the countless nights I have worried about her, because I know what she is thinking. You do not fear loosing someone, as much as I fear loosing her. You can not tell me I don't love her because.... I do love her. I love her more than she loves herself. I love her more than the sun loves the moon. You may not know what that means, because you do not know that the sun dies every night so that the moon can breathe. I love her more than I love myself. She tells me every day that she loves me more, but she has not read this. She is more beautiful, kind, gentle, strong, independent, and perfect than anything I have ever seen. I miss waking up next to her, and seeing the smile on her face when she wakes up from all of the kisses I chose to wake her up with. I miss they way she would wrap her arms around me when she woke up. I miss that she absolutely would not let me out of bed in the morning because she didn't want to let go. I miss driving home with her holding either my hand, or my thigh, and kissing me the whole way home even though it made it hard to keep my eyes on the road. I miss being able to have her all to myself every day. Getting to spend every waking moment with her. Those were the most satisfying days I have ever known. It sounds like we broke up, but we didn't. We are still very much together. We are still very much in love with each other. I still talk to her every moment I can whether it's text messages, snap chats, phone calls, or Skype. It's just our situation that doesn't allow us to live together anymore, and that is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever known.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Lacking Inspiration

Lately I've been feeling rather lazy. Like I'd rather just sit, and wait around before I need to get ready for work. I'd rather sit in my bed, or on the couch instead of get up and do something productive. I didn't realize until just now that I've been lacking motivation. Inspiration. I am usually very self motivated, and driven; lately I've been clouded by my love for hanging out with my friends, and being a stupid teenager. Which is fine, if you have a balance. I'm afraid that I'm starting to loose that balance. I haven't done hardly anything in the last week to better my mind, body and/or soul. Yes I've had this week off of school, but that's no excuse. I need to tap back into my inspiration. I need to find it again. Where do I look for that? Where do I start? Do I start with something as simple as cleaning my room, or my car? Or something as lengthy as doing my homework? What about my chores? Then I have work, so what's next after work at 9:30 tonight? I'm starting to feel a bit stuck in my everyday routine. One that will not help me succeed. Is there anyone else who feels the same? Is there anyone else searching for inspiration?

Sunday, February 8, 2015

When It's Good For The Soul

Today it rained. I don't mean a slight sprinkle like it usually is here in Sacramento. It was a real, heavy downpour. Like the rain we used to have in Washington almost everyday. It wasn't until I was walking to my car in the midst of it, that I realized how much I missed the rain. The feeling of the crisp cold water on my skin, and the way the clean air feels refreshing to breathe in.

I lived in Washington state until I was fourteen years old. For the first two years that I lived here I couldn't sleep unless I was listening to the rain. I had to download an app that had the sound of rain, and I would play it in my room until I would fall asleep. Today I noticed that I haven't had to do that in the last year and a half. That I stopped needing the rain. When I was younger, and going through rough times I would go out in the rain to help clear my mind. The rain would sooth my mind, and nourish my soul. As much as I love it here, California sadly doesn't provide much rain for me. I had to find new things to replenish my soul. Which now that I think about it, is probably why I don't need to listen to the rain on m phone anymore. Now I do thing like reading, practicing yoga, and this blog, because they are whats good for my soul. They fill the hole that leaving Washington created. With these things I am whole, and my soul is thriving!

What do you do, that's good for your Soul?

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Disappointments

What do you do when you don't get accepted into your dream college? You stare at the screen. Rereading the word "DENIED" over, and over again. You feel this heat rising up in you. A heat that makes you uncomfortable in your own skin. After a few minutes of seeing your life crumble at the sight of one word, reality sinks in. You start asking yourself all kinds of questions. Questions like, what am I going to do? Where am I going to go? I created this whole life, this whole plan for the rest of my life based on the fact that I was told by everyone that I was going to get in! And I didn't. What do you do when your faced with that? That kind of disappointment? Do you cry? Do you scream? Do you go straight to your original plan B? A plan you have absolutely no interest in pursuing, whatsoever? Well I'll tell you what I did. I turned around, and I created a brand new plan. One people are trying to get me to dismiss. A plan that has potential to be an amazing opportunity, but it seems that everyone is trying to make me do what THEY want me to do. If there are a million ways to get anywhere in the world, why is it so important that I take one specific rout to get to the desired place in my future?

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Sheer Bliss

Do you ever just sit in the sun?
Do you ever soak up the heat?
When there's still a breeze mixing in the warmth of the sun?
Can you find yourself enjoying the light on your skin?
Can you block out your surroundings by just closing your eyes?
Do you hear the wind in the trees?
Or the rustling of paper?
Do you feel the sheer bliss of nature?

Saturday, January 31, 2015

The ultimate goal in life, is happiness!

What does it all mean if your not happy? And by happy I don't mean having money to do, and have extravagant things. I mean laying down in your bed at night, can you smile for no reason at all? Doing something as simple as eating pizza. Is that enough to make you smile like an idiot? Well I can. Throughout my life, I have had wonderful mentors. They have all taught me different things. How to succeed, how to go to college, how to become a better writer. They all helped shape who I am, but there is one mentor whose impact is greater than all of the others. I met him when I entered a mentoring program at my High School when I was 14. He taught me the most important lesson. One that will carry me through High School, college, and my future beyond my education. He taught me how to be happy. How to find happiness in ones everyday life. That it is a CHOICE whether you are happy or not. You may think you need that jacket to be happy. You may think you need a relationship to be happy, but you don't. What you need to be happy, is a positive state of mind. Happiness is something you gain when you realize that "I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul." Once you reach a place in your life where you are honestly, and truly happy, you will find that life is beautiful. Even in all of its faults.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

I Have Found Myself :)

When I started my soul searching a week or so ago, I decided to try a few things and see how I felt about them. Of these things, I started practicing yoga, writing (I have only posted one of my entries), and a whole lot of thinking. Yoga helped me relax. Just to open my mind to what I'm really feeling, while engaging my body in a strenuous activity. Writing helped me organize those thoughts. To narrow them down to something that makes sense. Then comes the thinking. "Who am I?" "What do I want to come out of my life?" "What do I want to do?". Those questions kept coming up in my head, and while I was trying to answer them, I was trying to juggle my school work, my job, my social life, and this new practice(yoga). My own identity was slipping through the cracks. Thankfully, it all came together today. One of my best friends today told me she was thinking about the peace corp. I thought it was kinda funny, because I had been thinking a lot about traveling since I got back from my trip to London, England over Christmas break. I have known for a while that I wanted a career that allows me to travel and do something that I love. I just didn't know what kind of jobs did that other than corporate jobs, which I absolutely don't want. So when I told her this, we were in the computer lab at school, so I decided I would do some research. Whenever I have an idea in my head, an idea I'm thinking of pursuing, I research it to make sure it's something I really want to do. I looked up "jobs for traveling". I didn't really care so much for the first few that I saw, which were a travel nurse (not good with needles), a flight attendant, a tour guide, etc. But the one that really stuck out to me, was a travel writer. At first I wasn't sure why the idea of a travel writer stuck out to me, but then I thought about it. Last year I really started to enjoy writing. Starting with my APUSH essays, writing the schools centennial play, and starting this new personal writing. So there's the writing aspect, but the traveling aspect is what really excites me. When I was in London, it created a new passion within me. A love of the world, other cultures, and a drive to experience all that life has to offer me. Then after deciding this during the day at school, I was telling my teachers what my new course of direction was. They all had the initial "that sounds amazing and perfect for you reaction". That's what really helped me decide that being a travel writer would provide amazing experiences, and memories for me. A life with no "what if's".